The other day I woke up and I walked into the bathroom and steered at myself in the mirror and asked myself “are you ever going to make a real impact on someone’s life?”
I walked out of the bathroom in attempt to divorce myself from that thought.
Immediately I plugged myself in. I mean I needed to get out of my own head. So I turned on a podcast. I set it up the night before.
It was called “20 paradoxes that are true by Mark Manson”
#5 The more something scares you, the more you should probably do it.
That part stuck out to me like a sliver in my finger. I thought about it all day.
This idea about doing something that scares you is why I’m writing this now.
But Why? Why the hell should I be scared?
I’ve had my spells with depression on and off since I was in middle school. I had a good childhood, great parents, and lived in an amazing area. So a lot of my shame talking about my depression comes from the question; what the hell do I have to be depressed about?
I’m scared about the reactions people will have. Im scared of the potential Hate Mail I might receive.
I’m scared that putting myself out there with all the fucked up flaws I have will make me unloveable.
I’m scared that being open will make me look weak.
Im scared of sharing the fact that I actually get so anxious to the point of wanting to end everything. (Probably the hardest shit I’ve ever had to type by the way.)
So why do this?
Well, religion didn’t make me happy. Ya know there’s a reason all of the major religions in the world have a history of sending missionaries to the poorest and most destitute corners of the globe: people in desperate need are in desperation for well, advice.
This pains me to think about but I know it’s true. Whenever I’m at an all time low I’m more impressionable. The idea of becoming anything seems like a breath of fresh air.
“Sure I’ll be a Professional Musician.” When in reality I’ve never even played a single notes on a guitar.
“Entrepenuership?!? Are you saying I can live wherever I want and make money from my couch? What do I have to do? Okay, here’s $7,000. Fuck my student loans.”
“Louis Ck is hilarious. I’m gonna do exactly what he does. I’m gonna become a stand up comic and use my fowl mouth and tell people how bad my farts smell after a drinking thirty protein shakes in a single day.”
“Shit, now I have fourteen passions.”
“You know what? I’m passionate about being super fucking passionate.”
All these temporary inspirations turn out to be exactly that- temporary solutions to my real problem.
My real problem is: I’m addicted to everything and when I’m not busy. I don’t know what to do with myself.
This is really the Root for Why I’m Depressed
At this point:
There’s two choices for you now as a reader. Either continue to read and wish that you didn’t because now you know way too much about me.
Do exactly what I’m doing. Doing something that scares you. And that’s coming clean about being a dirty depressive. My hope is that by sharing my dirty depressive thoughts with you; you will learn a lot about yourself.
“I want you to know but I don’t want to tell you.”- Said every person that knows what it’s like being depressed.
The single most shitty part of depression is the All or Nothing. Confuscious was all about balance and everyone wants to be balanced but in life that’s just impractical.
It’s either sleeping too much or too little. But no matter what, you’re always tired.
It’s eating too much or just never being hungry. It’s someone asking, ‘When was the last time you ate?’ And you actually don’t know the answer.
It’s either being overly compulsive with cleanliness and needing to shower every three hours or it’s being unsure of the last time you showered.
It’s the ripped body that people commend you for but you know even you couldn’t help yourself.
You’re nice body is a byproduct of being super OCD with your eating habits, workout habits and sleep habits.
Depression is people asking if you’re okay and you don’t respond with ‘I’m freaking the fuck out as time passes.’ You simply say, ‘I need a nap.’
It’s the seeing people having true love whether their gay, straight or BI- sexual and you’re A- Sexuality continues to haunt you with the question of “am I ever going to love someone ever?”
DEPRESSION IS PERPLEXED
“Truth is, I’ll never know all there is to know about you just as you will never know all there is to know about me. Humans are by nature too complicated to be understood fully. So, we can choose either to approach our fellow human beings with suspicion or to approach them with an open mind, a dash of optimism and a great deal of candour.”- Tom Hanks
In summary, “Humans are complicated.”
Depression is becoming addicted to anything that gives you purpose. Some people reward you for this. That’s exactly why it’s a fuckin problem. We’re all too passion driven.
Whether it’s being a perfectionist in your art or becoming a better spouse or a perfect business owner. It’s all about caring too damn much. Mark Mansons has this other message that is such a gear grinder and he states in the Subtle Art of not giving a f*ck is “The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”
So given this information. How the fuck do you win? You don’t. You can’t.
It’s like you’re doomed if you do and you’re doomed if you don’t.
Because becoming the most involved in a group or organization because you need something to look forward to is actually dooming you for later pains.
It’s excelling in your craft but being so driven that if you can’t excel even though all you do is eat, sleep, piss, and shit your art out you feel a extreme rush of anxiety when someone pulls you away from it.
“Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated.” -Confuscious
Ya know Confuscious I wish you were around today just so I could shake the fuck out of you and then show you that when you try to type in “Confuscious” on to Microsoft word that you get “confusion” instead. Because that’s what you do. Your wisdom is not wisdom. It’s confusing!!
Sorry confuscious I freaked out on you a little it’s just the fact that on paper you make a shit ton of sense but in reality. You’re pretty confusing.
If you’re depressed self help- wisedom advice only scratches the depression itch. It doesn’t ever heal it. And in some cases it makes it worse.
“Less work. More play.” Is a recent catchphrase of every self helper. The fact is. If you’re depressed and driven to succeed you try to “play…”. FORGET IT! No sleep is happening tonight. You’re twenty minutes of play equates in three hour anxiety attack littered with “I’m worthless and all I do is play and who’s benefiting from that? No one but me! Gosh I’m fucking selfish!!”
I know what you’re thinking… why would you feel bad about playing??? It’s all part of falling down the rabbit hole of not feeling like you mean something to the world.
Depression makes you overly observant because you know what it’s like to hide things, so you look for it in others. You look closely into success and you study it immensely. But it only gets you into trouble. Successful people are actually hiding. They pull up the work pants and with every goal they achieve they get a small shot of feeling like “I’m fucking awesome!!” But it doesn’t last. It wares off and you’re onto the next big goal.
So that was the warm up. Here’s the dirty truth
Here’s what I do that I wish no one knew but everyone needs to know.
The more something scares you, the more you should probably do it.
I’m scared that one day my father will die and I won’t ever have been able to repay him for being one of the best fathers a son could have.
I’m scared of gaining weight and feeling ugly around people.
I’m scared of loosing my teeth.
I’m scared that I’ll never feel full. I’ll always have this emptiness.
I’m afraid I’ll always feel confused.
I’m afraid my mind will never allow me to feel satisfactory.
I’m really scared because the world rewards the assholes and punishes the good guys.
I’m scared because I know my true character is too lie, cheat and steal.
I’m scared because that’s how I’ve always become better. Is to lie cheat and steal.
I’m scared because original thoughts aren’t a possibility for most people. So I steal great ideas and claim them as my own.
I’m scared that once I actually get what I want. It won’t be enough and then the dire search for more success continues.
I’m scared that I won’t be remembered by anyone other then my family when I die.
I’m scared that I might be wasting my time in something that won’t ever be valuable to the world.
I’m scared that I won’t ever be able to love someone again.
I’m scared that all my efforts on self reflection is actually killing me slowly.
I’m scared that the choices I make will amount to nothing. That I will always come close but never actually succeed in the big ideas I have for myself.
I’m scared of being touched and loved.
I’m scared of commitment.
I’m scared of losing all my money and not being able to buy the foods I love which actually fuel my eating disorder.
I’m scared that people won’t let me move or walk ever again (addiction to exercise.)
I’m scared of death.
I’m scared of living (yeah it doesn’t make much sense to me either.
But with all this being said. My fear actually makes me come alive.
My depression makes me who I am.
Truthfully, I really hate fear.
But then I think, what if people were never afraid? The ones who were never afraid never ran away from the lions in the jungle.
The ones who WERE afraid became our ancestors. They became Adam and Eve and ran as far as they could from the social norms. Adam and Eve were very afraid and then they had babies.
If I was never afraid I probably wouldn’t experience the joy of connecting with others (which probably started off as either insecurity or a fear of being alone).
The bliss of doing things that I love (I started off doing them for fear I’d be a useless idiot, which I still often am but at least I’m not afraid of it anymore).
All of the writing I have done (since I don’t publish a single thing unless I’m afraid to hit the “Publish” button).
And always remember if it itches. Scratch it.
Comment below with your one feat that you’re facing.