I thought I would be happy if she loved me. Her name was Ali and she had this sandy blonde hair with white teeth. She also had this perfect little nose.
My favorite part was she had this intoxicating laugh that was absolutely bliss to the human ear.
I started liking her way before she had any interest in me. She was a year older then me and she loved to date. She always dating someone. Everyone knows these kinds of people, heck you may be one of them. It’s not good nor bad.
I knew her from working at Hollister. The store business model was to employ about 100 people and each person works an embarrassing 8 to 10 hours a week. I was sick of this so I quit and I didn’t see Ali anymore.
Finally, about a year and half later, I found myself in the same Biology class as Ali. A class I was determined to withdraw from after a few weeks. But once I heard she was in the class I thought “Logan, you can stick this out. Destiny has set you up to be with your dream girl.”
So I stuck it out. I received a D. I was also placed on academic supervision for the pre- physical therapy program I was in. There were multiple times in which I could have gotten help in the class but I wanted to spend every second I could trying to make Ali laugh.
After the semester ended I finally asked her to be my, you know, girlfriend. She said “Logan, that’s so sweet but you know you and I would never work out.” “What?!? Are you kidding me?!?” I thought to myself? We’ve swapped spit. More romantically put; kissed for hours straight. Told each other how much we enjoy one another’s company. We both shared the same love for “Hey Soul Sister” by Train. Both shared an oddly weird obsession for eating cereal with small spoons rather then large ones, both obsessed over stupid television like “Gossip Girl” and we even shared dreams of just traveling the world with money we both saved up. “What happened to that brilliant idea?!? It’s now or never. I mean before you know it we could have kids and have stupid jobs that would tie us down.” She said “I’ve also been talking to my ex and I think I’m falling in love with him again.”
I heard those words and my first punch in the face of “heart break” just came out from the corner of the ring and I was a “unconditioned lightweight” with absolutely no idea what to do to heal a broken heart.
Life knifed me in the back and it hurt. I would wake up in the middle of the night to go pee and go into the bathroom without turning on any lights just so I could avoid the face that I believed led me to my first heart break.
At 20 I was lost, adrift, lonely, and broken. I was sad. I was thinking a lot. My mind raced with thoughts of “how can I change my life?!?!” My first bouts with suicidal thought entered into my life. It’s dramatic sure, but when you’ve been in love and the only way to feel love is accomplished a certain persons acknowledgement that you exist, it’s a big deal.
I was at job I hated and I was only working there because I wanted to save money to travel and see other places.
I was down and everything seemed like up.
In the fog of everything I started to think about when I was happy. My first thoughts of happiness came to me as a child.
I remembered back to the time when I felt “real love in my life.” This was my first memory. I crawled my way into my kitchen and looked up to see my sister, father and mother with their backs at me when I first entered. They turned around and looked at me and my mom quickly picked me up from the ground, and gave me a million little rapid fire kisses on my nose and my family all hugged it out.
My nose happens to be one of my favorite parts. Some people love their legs, their smile, I love my nose. Maybe it was from my Moms kisses.
As if I was living in a Disney movie these little diamonds of memory saved me from taking myself.
It’s nice for your first memory to be kissed and loved.
And maybe when the end does come I hope I can give someone their first memory of feeling absolute love by giving them rapid fire kisses just as my mom did.
Heart breaks are actually the best event a person can go through even though it hurts like hell it makes everything in your life more blissful.
Some people say “imperfections are what makes us, US.“
What matters to me is not waiting for someone else’s love to feel good enough but knowing that I can give love is the best part of life. That’s what matters. Giving my most imperfect perfect self.