Life was so much simpler when I didn’t know anything.
Happily eating chicken tenders, occasionally exercising but not really. Going to school and living in an “ignorance is bliss” existence.
Then I learned all about how fat and cholesterol are bad for us. So I stopped eating deep fried foods, cut back on McDonald Chiceken nugget meal, switched to low-fat ranch, fat-free butter, margarine (boo butter!), and skim milk.
I soon read some research that gluten is bad for me. I think I have a gluten intolerance? My Aunt did, So I switched over to gluten-free pizza, gluten-free pasta, and gluten-free gluten. I still feel like garbage and everything I eat tastes like cardboard, but I’m healthier so that’s good. I get pride out of eating healthy.
But then I stumbled across this idea of Eating like a caveman. This makes sense, right? Maybe that will solve my problems. And eggs are good again? And so is Steak? Great, those are two of my favorite things. Time to eat like an Old Guru Bodybuilder. Let’s load up on steak, chicken, bacon, bacon-wrapped steak, and vegetables that are also wrapped in bacon. Let’s pig out! (Pun intended)
But then I read this article that said meat will kill you. DAMMIT! I thought I was getting good at this eating thing.
So there was this one group of people in China who didn’t eat meat and they have less risk of heart disease than we do. I’m not Chinese, but I like the idea of living longer so I can see Transformers 18- I’m sure Mark Wahlburg will still be able to out bench me even at 75.
Okay, maybe going all-in on only meat was a bad idea. What about the people of Okinawa? They have the longest life expectancy apparently. And Mr. Miyagi was from Okinawa, and he was good at karate. Maybe if I eat like they do, I’ll live a long, karate-filled life.
Okay, fine, it’s back to only fruit and vegetables. Blend that shit up! And now I’m a vegetarian. And guess what… McDonalds fries are vegetarian right?! So, fries are okay. And so is fruit. Fruit comes from the ground, and the ground is nature, therefore I’m going to eat all the fruit.
Why did I get bigger? I thought fruit was good for me. Okay, 600 grams of sugar a day through fruit might have been a bit much. In fact, I just read that sugar helps cancer cells grow. Steve Jobs loved fruits and he died of cancer. Which means- Fruit is the devil and kills off our current generations genius’s
Got it. No fruit. Meat is bad. Fish has mercury. Thankfully we still have vegetables. Except that they’re genetically modified. Robot-vegetables! Before I know it….. My apples are going to be Transformers…
How long before they take over the planet?
Okay, so let’s eliminate all of the vegetables that are GMO. Probably go ahead and get rid of any clothing that was made using GMO cotton or synthetic materials too.
Whew! This Healthy eating is exhausting. I need some caffeine….
Oh, let me guess Coffee breaks down stomach lining and thus the next time I drink it Coffee is going to be leaking through my skin pores…. Okay… onto not ever drinking coffee again….
Finally, I think I’m healthy. I found a place that stocks heirloom tomatoes, non-GMO asparagus from a farmers market, and water sourced from Norwegian glaciers, which is truly the only pure form of water out there.
Nothing beats a good book, a comfy chair, and a tall glass of viking water. Wait, what!? Sitting will kill me now too?
Awesome! I’ll stand. I can stand, better yet I’ll walk. I’ll get a walking treadmill desk. Oh wait…. Walking is catabolic and if I do too much steady state cardio my muscles are going to fall off.
Oh boy, even the shoes I wear are killing me apparently. They allow me toes’ to move. Stupid shoes. I’m going catabolic!
Perfect. I’m down to wearing a loincloth, made from an naturally raised cheetah named Norman.
What about Crossfit? I saw them on ESPN and those dudes are ripped. Off to my local box to complete my WOD! Look at me, speaking the lingo. I even bought my Reebok Crossfit approved shoes, shorts, and shirt. I assume this will shave at least 10 seconds off my Annie time!
Crap, blown lower back. Maybe doing 100 reps of olympic lifts after jumping up and down on a box for 5 minutes and running half a mile wasn’t too smart.
Boy, this getting fit thing is tough. And painful. Literally anything and everything I eat can kill me. Any place I visit will kill me. Anything I do will kill me. I guess I have two choices:
Live life like Jake Gyllanhal from the Bubble Boy…
Use common sense. Do the best I can with what I have. And don’t take anything to the extreme.
I’m gonna go with option B. Not take anything too extreme. Live a little. Focus on mini steps that turn into big wins. Eat moderate fats, eat moderate protein.
And now. I’d like to ask you- What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever been told to do to get healthy?