When you wait for a “somebody,” you’ll be a nobody. It’s going to be hard as hell but you’re going to have to learn how to be the best you can be without anyone else.
I have a lot of friends that are getting married but I also have a ton of friends who are dating constantly and breaking up constantly. They feel like the odd ball that’s going to be single and still never find love. They believe this with all of their heart.
Your personal opinion of yourself is rooted in “habits.”
You see this all the time. People who grew up poor and work and become successful still act like they have no money because they still believe in some deep, dark part of themselves that the money isn’t real, that they’re a fraud, that it’s all fake and a joke, and one day it will all disappear.
This is because our minds are essentially accumulations of habits. We all have physical habits, like combing your hair every day or blow drying your cat. But we also have mental habits — biases and stereotypes we regularly fall back upon, worn and weathered explanations for the world’s difficulties, assumptions that get us out of a psychological problem. You get the point. We rely on these mental habits just as we rely on physical habits — they sort and rearrange the world for us without having to expend any conscious effort.
If you think you’re the victim and you’re single because you’re ugly, not smart, lazy, fat, or you just haven’t met that “right one” yet, you’re wrong. You’re actually just a creature to your own habits.
“Why would I even try and talk to her? She’s blonde, beautiful, and perfect. You’re skinny, with mountains of loans to pay back and you have no time.” This is the thought that arrives every time you’re about to talk to that person you’ve been eyeing for the last hour. It only takes about 30 days to form a habit and you’re habit of being asshole to yourself has already formed.
People who were bullied growing up and go on to become the nicest, smartest, and most interesting person at the company Christmas party, yet they still believe this overwhelming sense that nobody really likes them, that it’s all fake and unreal and unearned and undeserved, and that in the end, everybody’s going to wind up hurting them. So they don’t let anyone get close to them. No matter how loved they are, they can’t ever let anybody get too close.
This is as useful to your dating game as trying to dump a cat under water in order to baptize the little fellow.
How do you change the habit?
If you’ve ever been a weight lifter and had to take creatine monohydrate It’s similar to taking creatine. If you haven’t. No big deal I’ll explain.
Creatine allows your muscles to hold more water, which helps them lift more, which in turn breaks down muscle fiber more quickly, which allows you to build muscle more quickly. You take a loading dose for a week or ten days. Then, once you’ve built up a baseline level of creatine, you drop the dose to a fraction of the loading dose and take this maintenance dose every day.
Have one very strict habit for loading, and then another to maintain. How do you know when to switch from your loading habit to your maintenance habit? The key is to be able to honestly evaluate what would happen if you dropped the habit entirely. If you think that you would immediately go back to your old ways, keep loading. The purpose of the loading habit is to completely remove all associations with your old habit.
Utilize your loading phase to work for you; not against you. Every time you want to talk to someone you find attractive you have to believe with every single fiber in your being that you are: “beautiful, smart, kind with your time, and valuable to this persons life before you even know them.”
Similar to lifting weights; you have to keep at it and it takes work. You will sometimes fail and the desire to troubleshoot yourself back to believing you suck and that you’re going to be single forevery. This doesn’t have to be your reality. Someone’s opinion of you is only true if you make it true.
When creating a new habit. Never miss a day. If you do. Do that thing twice that day to tell your brain that you won’t do that again. If you’re single as fuck don’t let yourself off the hook by staying home and watching Netflix all day and eating popcorn.
But you may say “How do I meet people?” There’s too many ways to meet people it’s as ridiculous as having only 2 candidates run for presidency and have 50 candidates run for the next Miss America. Just search your inner circle.
Make it a habit to ask yourself what you love to do? You love movies, great! Books? Great! Volenteer work? Well, you’re a saint. But get your butt out there and go on Meetup.com and fill out your interest and meet people in your area. Stop making the habit of not wanting to go out.
The thing with starting a new habit though is have to make it convenient. If it’s not convenient for you then you will most likely not do it.
If it’s not convenient to drive out 15 miles for a Meetup.com meeting then don’t do it. Maybe try staying late at work one day to talk to co-workers about coming over for a board game. Maybe you love working out and you hate sitting around. Sign up for a free Yoga class at your local gym.
Lastly, be patient. It’s so hard to do but make it a habit to be okay with being patient. You’re not going to change yourself in a day. It takes time. Fall in love with the process.