“I’m not the person I want to be.” This quote keeps playing in my head like some kind of broken record. I just keep hearing it, and hearing it, and hearing it. I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m hoping just one day, just maybe, somebody will walk into my life and give me something to do. I feel broken right now and it’s not because I don’t have much… It’s because I see others with so much that I know what life could be like. Honestly, I haven’t been in a serious relationship since I was 18 years old. Then, I go on facebook, oh fucking facebook. I hate it and love it. It’s like People Magazine. All I do is envy everyone that’s in these relationships since high school, and now they’re getting married. Which doesn’t make feel like crap, but it makes me feel like abhorrent. Which is a fancy word for disgusting. I feel disgusting. Especially when I think about how so many people in my life think of me as a “player” or “ladies man,” but truthfully… I’m not. I’m actually someone who feels so out of place all the time when I’m around woman. Maybe it’s something I do with my body language that exerts this so-called-confidence.
I don’t want to fall victim to the group who believes “You’ve go depression? Oh so do I, but I bet my depression is worst then your.” And we all know these group of people. I just want to say to them, you know what’s funny? A LOT OF SHIT, so lighten up. Therefore I digress from this subject for a moment.
It’s funny how I have things that I don’t want. Right now, being a full time college student and part-time server, I basically have a few things to really worry about and the number one thing that I worry about is…. ME. I’m so into finding more and more about myself that sometime I think I hurt myself. I have a theory that the reason some girls starting dating a guy is because he’s broken. They believe in the “it takes hard work to make love work,” and so do I. Evidentially, I am left with a dry dirt and small little pebbles in my mouth when I see these relationships. I see them a lot. And honestly, I think to myself “Well, I’m fucked up, maybe some girl will try to come around and pick me up.” But nope. I still go to sleep by myself. I still wake up by myself. I still workout by myself. I still do errands by myself. I still watch movies by myself. And….. worst of them all, I have sex with myself. IN WHICH, I almost never do anymore because if I do a feel like some sick fuck. Even though I know every masturbates. Even though there’s plenty of people who are in a relationships that masturbate too. I just feel like I’m cheating.
I just wish that I had that person back in my life that sent out a text to my phone that read “I’ll be over soon! Can’t wait to see you J,” and lit up my world like fireworks again. I just miss that. I miss it so much. I barely even remember what it’s like to be so in love with someone that you can’t help yourself from smiling bigger then anyone else in the room just because you simply thought of them. I want to be that person again that stays up until four in the morning texting that special someone because my reality is better then my dreams. This loneliness, I hope, only lasts for so much longer.