Some days I feel so confused. I look at myself in the mirror and I wish for everything to be different. My hair, my eyes, my body, neck, my skin, my lips, and even sometimes my gender. Maybe not my gender… Not really but I wish that I were just different. That’s all. I try to fix this problem by listening to a podcast or reading self help books. Every now and then I find some really great inspiration to not hate myself as much. Like when Joel Osteen says “Why don’t you start believing that no matter what you have or haven’t done, that your best days are still out in front of you.” Joel Osteen. He’s an American preacher and writer. I don’t know that much about him to be honest, but I know he’s kind of a famous and he publicizes a lot of his works. While listening to him this morning I was listening and listening and I just kept thinking “Do I believe in god? Or do I believe in someone believing in something even if it isn’t real.” It’s that ideology telling a kid that he’s a C student and he’s always going to be a C student so he mine as well accept it, or if you believe in something greater then yourself, you’ll tell a kid that’s a C student that he’s an A student he will apply himself more to studying. He’s already obtained the title and now he’s got to sustain that title.

Nonetheless, I’m going to say it. It’s hard for me to believe in something that I haven’t seen. Like GOD for example. I don’t even know who to visualize or where to start on this religious journey. I want someone to save me though because I feel lost. I have some very fine people in my life. My Pops couldn’t be any more loving as a father, My mom passed away when I was Eleven so I’m not even quite sure where she’s at. The whole heaven or hell thing is a struggle to believing because I feel like if I died today I would certainly go to Hell. Not that I’m the worst person but I look at how caring and almost restricted Religious families lives are. I just keep going bak and forth with this and I need someone or something to sit me down and say some words that just make some good ole damn sense.

I’m so confused on what to believe and what not to believe. It could be a reason of my upbringing. I don’t want to point fingers or blame anyone. I just never experienced a family who was very religious. Knowing me though, if I did live in this family as a kid I would rebel. Now as I become more independent and more lonely each and every day I feel myself becoming so very confused. So confused about the things I want to do, the things I have to do and the choices I have to make. I think I’m going to make a big step in my life and maybe start believing in big guns upstairs. I question that I should believe in God. That’s where the problem starts. The questioning of it can almost be like driving on a road but half of your car is on the road and half of it is in the gravel trying to get back onto the road. So I leave this post with a question:

Who is truly happy and fulfilled that they started believing in God?